Today would have been mine and Mel's 17 year anniversary of being together. It feels odd typing that. In my mind we are still at year 14. Year 14 was when everything was beautiful. It was when we had a small baby and the world seemed to have so manyvpossabilities. Things had been going downhill but alone in a hotel room away from him, our son and our dog is not where I ever imagined myself being.
Some days I feel I can handle the changes, the uncertainty of what mine and Nates future holds..sometimes I just feel so hurt and angry that he is gone. Our marriage is over.(not legally but we've lived apart for 2 years)
I look around and wonder how so many people are able to move on..start new families and dream new dreams. I admire that about them.
I still find myself wanting to call Mel and tell him about funny things that happened during the day.. And honestly; sometimes I do..Or when something bad happens I long to bounce things off of him..we can still talk; but after everything I don't think we will ever be each others confidant again. Even after 2 years I still feel so sad to think of that.
This year was my first time to take nate to see fireworks by myself. We met up with Mel's sister while there; but I felt so proud of myself braving a large crowd, carrying 2 chairs and all of our supplies..I did it alone. I made it up and down this large hill in the Texas heat packed up like a pack mule and my preschool son asking if we were there yet. I kept thinking how this is the memory I want my son to keep.. That his mom made an effort to step out of her comfort zone, tried her best and just wanted him to be happy. As we sat together and watched the fireworks I felt so proud to be there with him. Tears streamed down my face. As the colors exploded into the sky I missed having Mel to kiss under the fire works. I missed holding his hand.. I missed him.
I then wiped my tears away and thought about how much I've grown and that finally on independence day I would celebrate the day not just for America but for myself.
I'm still no where near ready to date but for that one night I was brave and waded into the murkey waters of single mom hood and celebrating holidays just me and my sweet boy.
